Men and women are not the same. They do not face the same challenges in the workplace and they do not face the same discrimination. Even when comparing discrimination based on race, religion, age, disability, etc. the discrimination men and women face it is not the same. This blog is not about the very real difference in the disparity between women of color trying to balance work, family, society and all of the other crap heaped upon them.
Where men and women are the same in the legal world is the abuse and mistreatment by the court system and peers in extending courtesies. For example: I had an adversary deny a request for an adjournment when I was having surgery and the judge refused to adjourn the case. I had to write an angry letter to the court about it. Both men and women alike face this challenge. Again, while it is getting better, it is the women who have spearheaded the work-life balance movement that is the reason why.
Recently, I had two experiences that highlighted the plain vanilla struggle between men and women in the workplace that persists. Fortunately, these experiences reinforced my opinion that women lawyers have made a positive impact on the legal profession by demanding work-life balance be a priority.
A friend of mine posted on Facebook that she was having a hard time finding men for a podcast discussion on difficulties faced by men trying balance pursuing a career and personal obligations. No doubt there are many men that face this challenge. However, the source disparity between women and men on this is palpable. Women carry the babies. We have specific needs during an after pregnancy that men don’t have. This appears to be the primary source of employment-based discrimination, in my opinion. Not only do employers have to plan for women to take more time off during a pregnancy, but women (disproportionately to men) will continue to be the primary caretakers of young children. After all, if an intact family if a man is out earning his wife significantly the wife’s job becomes less important, right? Employers loose productively and have increased labor costs due to these temporary absences by women obviously more than men. Women disproportionately sacrifice their careers leaving the workforce to raise children so that when then returned, they are older, less experienced, and generally unable to ever bridge the gap.
Most of the comments were from lawyers (or spouses of lawyers), since that’s most of my circle of people. So when a guy responded to my comment on the Facebook post by saying “men have it 10 times worse than women” it took all of my strength to not call him a fool. Just stop it. Even my husband rolled his eyes when I said it. Men don’t have it 10 times worse than women, but ask a woman if she would ever complain in that manner. They don’t. Ask a real man supporting a professional woman if he would ever say that – spoiler – they wouldn’t. Women just throw a baby in a sling and show up for court after being denied an adjournment.
Men and women have it different. The inability by men to see that is what has caused working women to spearhead work-life balance initiatives. I’ll say it again. The old guard of men, have zero desire to change this and will only change it when women demand the change. This is also why work-life balance articles, panels at conferences, and committees are dominated by women.
My second experience was during a job interview. Occasionally I see a job that piques my interest, occasionally I apply, and occasionally I get an interview. This was an in-house position at a non-profit. My first interview was cancelled at the attorney’s daughter went into labor. I felt positively about them cancelling the interview for this reason. They rescheduled me with a male attorney. During the interview he indicated that the job was “more than full-time” and intimated that I might not be interested in something like that.
At first, I brushed it off. But overnight it sunk in. There is an old guard attitude that lawyers can be hired at a base rate and worked to death. This is a typical trope of lawyers who want to dissuade women from taking a job that might interfere with family obligations or be too much for them. Aside from feeling talked down to, I just felt that this dude was tone deaf. Who can sell a job to a hot chili pepper lawyer like me by telling them that they will have to accept less pay and work more? This is also the exact attitude that the younger generation of lawyers (both male and female) are rejecting – thankfully. The older generation of women lawyers who demanded accommodations make it possible for the lawyers of both genders entering the profession to say no to that culture.
Importantly, my recent experiences are is exactly why the work-life balance discussion remains so critical. A recent study by the ABA shows that nearly 40% of all lawyers are women. The link to the study results is below. The study really confirms my comments with regard to the difference in the male v. female experience in the legal workplace. But the study also shows that there are in fact more women sticking it out long term. Why? Because women have demanded and received the ability to have a better work-life balance. We don’t want to get a degree, start to build a career and then be forced to give it up because we also want to be moms.
Now before all of my ladies lose their minds – I didn’t say it was perfect. Hell, I think it is still pretty dismal. But women are demanding and employers are listening and making changes. If they weren’t, we wouldn’t be 40% of the total lawyers.
As a former small firm owner, I can’t ever recall telling someone that I would pay them for a full-time job but expect them to work more. Rather, I encouraged flexible schedules for my lawyers (who were primarily women) and worked out flexible compensation schedules for them. I could do that because I was a small firm and I prioritized giving them the opportunity for a work-life balance that I did feel that I had. They got what they needed and I was able to make fiscally wise business decisions.
I have watched attorneys demand and receive accommodations for breast-feeding, including private rooms at courthouses. I have watched attorneys demand and receive accommodations for pregnancy, child birth, caring for children… but for as many positive things I have seen I have also seen a continued disregard for the women’s issues in the legal profession.
I spoke on a panel about work-life balance about 15 years ago. Many of the things I said then, have not changed. One critical thing that women have today, that they did not have when I started practicing law is the ability to say no. If I don’t want to take a case – I can say no. If I don’t want to be treated like a work horse – I can say no. I don’t have to fear losing a job because I have sick child. I don’t have to choose between being a professional and being a homemaker. I can (and did) do it all. But I wish I had said no a lot more often.
This is one of the things that I work with my attorneys on in Succession Planning. Learning to say no is universally difficult. Granting the ability to women lawyers to say no is the single most important tool of empowerment. Men say no all the time. Women feel like they can’t because they don’t want to be passed over for the next opportunity. As we near the point where we want to wind down our law practice, we still don’t want to say no.
Overall, we need to be mindful of the very real struggle for all lawyers regardless of gender. All of us want more personal time. All of us want courtesies when we have personal obligations. All of us want fair pay. All of us want to have time for our kids and spouses and not feel threatened that our jobs may be in peril or that our client’s will suffer. No one ever said on their death bed “I wish I worked more.”
Amy ended her litigation practice in 2021. She now works with small firm lawyers on succession planning and handles transactional legal matters. She creates bespoke solutions for lawyers, small businesses, and entertainers. Amy is able to put her son on the bus every day and enjoys it endlessly. Click the “Schedule Your Appointment” link at the top of this page if you want to book time with her.
